In Here

Celebrating your birth
Grieving your death
Have you chosen either?
Fighting a new breath
And for a new breath.

A Story

Idle youth, enslaved to everything; by being too sensitive I have wasted my life.”- Rimbaud

“That day I went home soaking wet top to bottom. My hair was dripping water on the floor. My feet were smudging my foot prints in stains of mud that shall not remain as proof of my existence, but rather wash away as the world moves on and forgets about me while I die of lonesome and tiresome thinking only of that burden of a world. I did not care to close the door of the house behind me or take the keys out of the door, I stormed into my room grabbed a piece of paper and sat down on my desk.

Silly girl leaving

as if there were nothing behind,

walking away

as if there were no start

and there were no end.

Two Decades Since '91

WARNING: NOT VERY CHEERFUL DOWN THERE!

I can't stop thinking about my upcoming birthday. It has been a very bad year, and not being a teen anymore is going to make it worse.
The number is just haunting me.

20. 20? 20!

The gloomy mood has been around for a while, and doesn't look like it's going away anytime soon. The weather though has been unbelievably amazing, it's cloudy, cold and pretty. I'm surprised how winter has arrived very early this year; November is usually not that winter-y. I'd like to think of it as God's way of cheering me up, not that I could come up with one reason of why He'd want to do that.
I'm hoping my friends would absolutely forget about it this year. The fact that it's going to be on the night of a very important mid-term exam might help.
20
I wonder ...

Dream Within a Dream: Inception ultimatum.

“Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one” - Albert Einstein

Life could get very dark and very blue making you question almost everything. What is real?!! What are the facts that I need to have as a basic knowledge of survival and moving on?! Since I’ve been like this for a while, I’ve concluded (after hours and days of harassing my body in every shape and form to get answers) that there is no reality. The word ‘real’ has no scientific basis for existence. And probably the only two facts that are ‘real’ out there are :


       1. Man has been given the blessing and the curse, beyond any bless or curse
           this world might have known, in the form of one thing and one thing only:
           Choice. Man has been given the choice to choose everything. And thus
           creating what he wants. (this is how I tried to phrase the fact in my own
               words. Because it’s a very complicated fact it could need a post of its own,
               but for now This means Man chooses the world he needs to be).


       2. No matter what he creates or chooses, eventually … Man dies.

Have a little faith.

“Now. My turn. Look if you say that science will eventually prove there is no God, on that I must differ. No matter how small they take it back, to a tadpole, to an atom, there is always something they can’t explain, something that created it all at the end of the search.
And no matter how far they try to go the other way - to extend life, play around with the genes, clone this, clone that, live to one hundred and fifty - at some point, life is over. And then what happens? When life comes to an end?”
I shrugged.
“You see?”
He leaned back. He smiled.
“When you come to an end, that’s where God begins.”

No one wins

Do you know what time that is, when the bad side wins? It's the one time you start fighting it rather than trying to set it straight. It's when you give up on it.
You know the whole "if you can't beat them, join'em" saying, well first you can't beat evil. Why? because simply it's more luring, and when it wears you out, fighting it, it will be the one offering you a cup of water to cool you down. A sip of life. The idea of letting go, because believe me, GOOD is a burden. It's a burden that no weak man can carry. It's a burden for the brave, for the hero, and we all know how real superheroes are.
Second if you join em you lose, there's no gain in being on the bad side. Yes, it might look more carefree, good for the heart and all, but it simply isn't. At the end of the day being bad is a bigger burden, but one that is dragged behind you like a shadow of shame following you around. It's a lighter burden but it's suffocating, you can't run away from it.
So... I don't know. Maybe this time the bad side does not win, because simply there is no good side/bad side. There is us. Miserable, lost,, confused us. There is everyone trying to live it whatever way that makes them eventually rest their heads at night feeling, maybe, a little bit better than yesterday or tomorrow.


May you have it figured out, or at least delusional-y so.