Dear... ?

*a loong looong sigh.*
Ohh Dear Death..or Dear Life?,

How does one start 'this' letter? Whom is it addressed to? It's addressed to himself. To the soul and the heart and the flesh. Addressed to the memories, the flashbacks, the adrenaline, the opium, the love, the sun and the long starry nights. Addressed to the clenches of the heart and the suffocating collapse of the chest. addressed to skin on skin.

*Siiiiiiigh*
Oh, Dear Sweet Nothing.

In Here

Celebrating your birth
Grieving your death
Have you chosen either?
Fighting a new breath
And for a new breath.

What don't I want to do?

Today. decision. life. graduation. work. money. fame. luxury. humility. tomorrow. family. independence. man. love. free. travel. passport. visa. permission.citizenship. now. happy. die. tired. be. no.yes. ok.

I want to start this post by rambling about my current status in life hoping by the end of it I will have figured out something some sort of direction that I am going to take.

I want to start this post by talking about how changed I am after coming back from Germany and how different now everything is and how it's also exactly the same.

I want to start this post by talking about the mind torture I'm going through, having arrived to some facts that are paralyzing my thoughts and paralyzing my future. pfft stupid word.

I also want to go watch some TV, waste the day and just forget about everything.

which is basically what I'm off to do...

A Story

Idle youth, enslaved to everything; by being too sensitive I have wasted my life.”- Rimbaud

“That day I went home soaking wet top to bottom. My hair was dripping water on the floor. My feet were smudging my foot prints in stains of mud that shall not remain as proof of my existence, but rather wash away as the world moves on and forgets about me while I die of lonesome and tiresome thinking only of that burden of a world. I did not care to close the door of the house behind me or take the keys out of the door, I stormed into my room grabbed a piece of paper and sat down on my desk.

Silly girl leaving

as if there were nothing behind,

walking away

as if there were no start

and there were no end.

The Dancing Tree

On a windy day

I was not happy

but I was not sad

and the sky was blue

and it was grey

Documentation

I woke up today with puffy eyes. I am me again. I'd like to take it all in as long as I can. This weather and the song. I can ask the world to stop; but... it wouldn't. I've come to accept that in a very bittery, full of rage and anger kind of way; but... I accepted it.
I think what triggered my state yesterday was a large dose of hope.

I have no idea why I called it hope.

Truth is, it might have been a large dose of denial.
At the end of the day though, everything was as it should be.

1-1-2012

You can play this during.

20 years 1 month 6 days old.

Documentation of the past few hours of my life from yesterday the 31st of December 2011, till now: 1st of January 2012 10:33 AM

I've been sleeping from 8:00 pm yesterday.
 
        ...

 9:00 pm
10:00 pm
11:00 pm
12:00 am. 1st of january 2012: I remember vaguely my mom kissing me happy new year.
1:00 am
2:00 am
3:00 am
4:00 am
5:00 am
6:00 am
7:00 am
8:00 am
9:00 am: I woke up.